On Balance in Relationships.

This isn’t just about balance.  Or how to stay connected.  Though it serves all of that.

I touched on this just a little bit in my post about burnout, but I want to get into Balance in Relationships.

We’re asked to care.  We’re asked to do something.  We’re asked to invest time and energy.  This is usually about a person.  Sometimes it could be a project.

John was a military vet.  He didn’t have to be.  He could have been my childhood friend, or a guy I made friends with in a coffee shop.  In this case I met him where I was his doctor, and he was my patient.  I sit down with him in clinic, and I see a long list of “problems,” from medical issues to PTSD and many notes about “personality” issues.

Two seconds after I sit down, he pulls out his own list, but these are things he wants from me.  Medication refills?  Easy enough.  Help with disability?  Let’s investigate.  Call his landlord and advocate for him to keep his apartment after causing problems?  Maybe I’ll help.  Call his parole office?  Hmm.  Prescribe him medical marijuana?  Well…

It isn’t long in this interaction before I start disconnecting emotionally.  It’s natural to want him to leave, because he is putting all the burden on me to fix his life.  To a tiny degree I understand that, as it’s supposed to be my role to “help” him with many of his problems.

So let’s say I spend a couple extra hours trying to help him with everything he asks.  At the next visit he comes back with new issues, and this time he wants me to write a letter for court saying he has PTSD and that he shouldn’t be held accountable for some things he’s done.

Now let’s pretend that John has other issues.  Maybe he’s an alcoholic, and my repeated pleas to get sober haven’t helped.  Or he’s my brother (I don’t have a brother) and asks me to loan him money for the tenth time.

All of these situations feel emotionally taxing on me, and a common response is to disconnect.  I feel tired pouring more energy into a situation that isn’t changing, and I want to just stop. Maybe at best I keep going through the motions.  For those in a role where we’re supposed to stay emotionally connected to people (such as healthcare), it’s helpful to not get apathetic.

So I happened upon two simple philosophies that have helped me to stay balanced, particularly when stressed.

1.  Don’t work harder than the other person.

As sad as it sounds, this is their problem, not yours.  If they’re bringing the issue to you, they need to be willing to meet you halfway.  Now halfway might be different for each person, but the idea of effort is what’s important.  If you find yourself over-investing, doing more or all of the work, that is a recipe for burnout.  Once you’re pouring yourself into something, if it fails, you feel jaded.  You then want to withdraw and not try again.

There’s a much longer discussion that can be had about how to get someone to invest.  Another time.  Here, though, not working harder than the other person can often feel like pulling back.  And if we pull back too much emotionally we can end up apathetic, not caring at all.  So then comes the other side of the coin –

2.  Cultivate a feeling of Detached Compassion.

I want to hammer both words in there.  DETACHED.  Meaning disconnected from the outcome.  Aim high, but don’t set up your emotional payoff on the win.  COMPASSION.  Meaning you still care about the person.  Stay connected to the person, but disconnected from the outcome.

Especially since a lot of the time people don’t want things fixed, they want someone present for them.

As you pay more and more attention to this balance of effort, investment, and connection, you’re really cultivating mindfulness.  Mindfulness (which needs its own posts), which I’ll simply define here as awareness, without reacting.

On Balance in Relationships.
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Paul Puri

Dr. Puri is a board certified psychiatrist, in private practice in Los Angeles. He practices multiple forms of psychotherapy, including hypnosis, in addition to managing medications. He attended medical school at University of Rochester, and specialty training at University of California, San Diego. He is currently on the Vol Clinical Faculty at UCLA. In his non-clinical time he writes TV pilots, and designs iPhone apps.