I run into the same issues everywhere, from patients, co-workers, and friends. People are stuck, and not sure how to “un-stuck” themselves.
I’ve noticed some basic rules on how to live a more fulfilled life, to make life easier, and make you more effective.
Consider them like guideposts if you feel off track. Some may be obvious. Others, maybe not so much.
It’s not about knowing them. It’s about where you put your attention and effort.
1. Be Polite
I’m not suggesting to be fake or disingenuous. Instead find the way to being kind to others. And if kindness can’t be found, then at least be civil.
You may get what you want by being rude, angry, or demanding. The squeaky wheel does get the grease. In the process, though, you’ll burn the bridge with the person you’re getting it from. They won’t respect you, and given the choice they wouldn’t help you in an accident. I’ve worked with plenty of people that steamroll over others to get what they want. A lot of the time they still get what they want, but no one likes them.
If people like you, they’re more likely to want to help. Create allies, and start by being nice to people. Especially when you have no reason to be nice to them.
2. Be Flexible
I’m not talking about doing yoga backbends. This isn’t about physical health.
This is the holy grail in functioning in life, IMHO. The way to mental health is to develop flexibility, being able to function in a variety of situations, to find appreciation wherever you are, to be a leader when a leader is needed and a follower when that is needed. And to find enjoyment in every role. To be able to see multiple sides of every issue, and appreciate the opinions of everyone. Even if you disagree with it. Even if its hateful, to be able to understand what led to that person having that opinion.
See #10 for more on this.
3. Pick Your Battles
Stand up for yourself when you can, and when it will help. Assert yourself to make positive changes, but not just to exert your will on others. Don’t let yourself be trodden down by others, but be smart about it. If it’s important to finally stand up to your boss, do you have a backup plan?
People have variable lengths to their fuses. Some will let themselves be beaten down their whole life, never speaking up for what they want or believe. Others snap violently at the tiniest provocation. Neither approach works to get your needs met. Think ahead and plan the next three steps after you stand up for yourself, and plan how to weather the worst possible consequences.
4. Be Open to New Data
Medicine has few certainties. During medical school the lesson was: “Twenty years from now, 50% of what we know is fact will be wrong.” In a field of explosive egos and paternalistically telling others how to live their lives, it’s hard to be able to admit fault. It’s absolutely necessary though.
I could be wrong about everything here. I know I don’t know anything for certain. Anyone that says they do is wrong. This is more than being humble. New information could arrive at any point, and if we choose to selectively ignore that information because it’s a blow to our ego to change our minds, then we’re living in a delusional world. We’re ignoring reality.
I very rarely get all the information on someone’s background to be able to even make a definite diagnosis. I get pieces, and I put together the best picture from that information. If new information comes in, I have to revise that picture.
Think about your own philosophy on life. Any one thing you take for granted. Would you be willing to admit you’re wrong if some new information came in that didn’t fit? Most likely you’d want to discredit it, unless it came from someone you trusted.
The better stance is to be open to any credible information, and to recognize any belief or idea is only as good as the data it is based on. This is also the way of science, usually. At least when politics aren’t involved.
5. Paradox is the answer to many puzzles
I could give a thousand examples of this. You get more by giving. When in the black hole of desire and want, feel better through focusing on gratitude. Strength comes through vulnerability not hardening the walls. Fears are broken through experiencing the fear, rather than numbing it. Giving is the best way to get people interested. You have to stop chasing a dream to get it to stop running away.
We are creatures of habit. We do things because they worked in some way, at some point in the past. So we keep trying to do them, stuck in the hammer-nail paradigm all the time. We do what we do because our approach makes sense. It fits common sense.
Sometimes what we intuitively do is very effective. But sometimes it doesn’t work at all. Conventional wisdom tells us to “fight harder” and do more of it.
If you’re stuck on a problem, consider trying the thing that doesn’t make sense. Oppose your intuition. Trying to keep things from getting worse sometimes just makes the problem last longer. We do it because common sense dictates that things would be worse if we did anything else.
When desperate for love, we’re in a place of want. We desire. We feel empty, as though there’s nothing to give. We want someone else to fill us with love. Yet giving without expectation may be the very thing that results in getting what you want.
You just have to accept the worst outcome as a possibility. Some of those worst outcomes may not be acceptable, no matter what. I can’t speak to the specifics in your life. Just think of these as guideposts. There are whole schools of psychotherapy (lesser known) devoted to this approach.
6. Growth (or change) Requires a Degree of Risk, But Not Pain
There’s always risk in doing something new. Because it’s new and unfamiliar. The pain that’s expected comes from fighting change, from swimming upstream against the current, from holding onto the past. In order to change it means letting go of something, even if only as the sole way of doing something.
Weigh the risks and benefits, and make a choice to try something different.
7. Your Heart Will Keep Ticking
Even if it feels like the end of the world. Even if you feel like your soul is dying. You will probably survive. The pain will pass, like a wave. And you will survive. Don’t give up just because the wave is rising, or because it’s scary. Fear won’t kill you (unless you have a heart condition).
In that vein, I always appreciated this quote:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune
8. Balance is a Process, Not a State
No one is perfect. No one is at bliss twenty-four hours a day. Marketing (including by self-help marketers) sell you the idea of perfection. Or balance. Or happiness. Or Mindfulness. In truth that is not a maintainable state.
Stand on one foot. Even if you aren’t falling over, that’s because opposing muscles are working simultaneously. Balance isn’t about one thing only. It’s about finding the right amount of two things that might oppose each other, so you don’t fall over.
Find the balance between apathy and overinvestment. Being totally absorbed in anything is a recipe for burnout. In relationships or projects. Apathy isn’t living, but shielding yourself from any future risk, because it doesn’t seem worth it. Life is best lived in-between, in a state of mindfulness.
9. Everybody is Doing the Best They Can with the Tools They Have
Just sometimes their tools aren’t good enough. If that’s you, get more tools. Try new stuff. Shrugging your shoulders that you are the way you are doesn’t leave much of a path for your story.
If it’s someone else that is pushing your buttons, find some compassion. Whatever they’re doing, no matter how annoying, has served a purpose for them. They’re using what they believe is the best tools they have, even if it makes no sense to you.
10. Problems in Relationships Can Often Be Fixed by Trying Different Positions
Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m not talking about that.
Think about where you find yourself, in relationship to others. First, second, third positions.
First position (I) is looking at it through your own eyes. Some people literally cannot think for themselves, but are constantly caught in the needs of others. They’re disconnected from their own needs and always put others first.
Second position (you), is about empathy and being able to imagine yourself as another person. Why they do what they do, and how they feel how they feel. Understanding that helps to understand how to deal with another person.
Third position (outside) is looking at the group from the outside, detached, and seeing the big picture. Seeing that when I push, he pushes back, which I might not be able to appreciate from the first or second positions. Each of these is like a muscle. Which of yours is underdeveloped? Which is overdeveloped?
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Now of course there’s lessons #11 – 20. But those will wait for another post.
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